We Had No Definition of Love in Our Childhood

Chapter 3: You Cannot Recognize What You Do Not Have in Yourselves

We hear some people say that they wanted their parents to love them but they were not loved. What is the “love” that those people mentioned?

You began recognizing your parents in the beginning of your life when your brain barely started functioning, and it was still very immature. If you considered your parents as immature, it signified that your mind was young and immature. You cannot recognize what you do not have in your cognitive system. You recognize only things for which you have definition.

Assume you find a token for a carnival game on a street. It has no meaning and no value for you, so you will ignore it. But it could be a priceless old coin while you just thought it was a carnival token. It is too late to realize its value after passing. Similarly, actions and thoughts of which you have no definitions in your mind cannot be recognized. When you were a baby, you thought of only yourself. You would not take care of other people when you were tired. You did not work for money and think of spending it for somebody else. Thus, you could not recognize that it was your parents’ love when your mother took care of you despite her fatigue and your father worked and earned money to spend most of it for you. You could not recognize the form of their love, so you ignored it.

When somebody says that his parents had no love, it actually means that he had no love as a child, and consequently he couldn’t project love onto his parents. If the present he, as an adult, still claims his parents have no love, that implies he still doesn’t have enough love to project onto them. Every person defines love differently. As children, though, we had no definition of love. We only experienced comfort and discomfort. Those who claim they needed to be loved didn’t think about love in their childhood. They defined discomfort as lack of parental love after they had grown up and become a little cunning. By re-examining the situation, they will find out that they just wanted their parents to do whatever they wished, rather than wanting their parents’ love.

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We Are Using Two Parts of Brain

Chapter 2: How Inner Child Perceives

Imagine that your male coworker told you (a woman) what happened over the weekend during the lunch break at work. He said, “Yesterday I took my daughter to the amusement park. She was so excited, but started whining when it was time to leave. She squatted and would not walk. So I had to raise my voice and finally tap her butt to make her stand up, and had to carry her along with heavy luggage because, you know, I had to come to work today. I was so exhausted.” You would sympathize with him, and would say, “That must have been tough. She spoiled your day off,” understanding your coworker’s disappointment. And you would add, “Well, you are very nice to your daughter. You do love her. My parents weren’t that nice. I remember that a long time ago my dad took me to the amusement park and that suddenly I got spanked even though I did not do anything.”

Let’s look at how the mind operates. When you listen to your coworker, you use you adult and mature mind, and make judgments with it. The adult mind allows you to see that he loves his daughter and spent his money and his day off taking her to an amusement park to make her happy. You also completely understood that the child spoiled all his kindness by whining and acting inconsiderately, and that she hurt her father deeply. However, when you recall and talk about your own similar experience from childhood, you apply the immature, child mind without noticing. It is revealed that you still have no idea how much you hurt your father’s feelings and disappointed him as a child.
As in the example, you will face some trouble because you still judge your parents with your immature, child mind. When you become an adult, the way you perceive your parents will transform to match how you perceive society, politicians, and the president of your work place. If you are dissatisfied with these people, your immature mind will automatically react to them. That makes you preoccupied with unhappy circumstances, and it will cause you problems at work. If you get angry with politicians or feel that society is not functioning well, or you dislike the president of your company, it means that you still have misconceptions and misunderstandings about your parents. You need to take a close look and reassess your parents with your mature, adult mind. When you have modified your mind, you will see your future circumstances changing gradually. That is because “your thoughts create your reality, 100%.”

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What Is Inner Child in Fractal Psychology?

Basic Lecture 2: What is Inner Child

Preparatory Worksheet

1. What kinds of problems would you experience when using a computer with an old operating system?

2. How old were your mother and father when you were born?

3. List situations or circumstances in your childhood when you felt being loved by your parents. Examples: When they hugged you; when they bought you a toy.

4. List things that irritate or anger you often in daily life, including really minor things.

5. Did you think that you had been better than your mother or father (or had not been as bad as your parents) in certain aspects? If any, list them.

a. Things better than your mother:
b. Things better than your father:

6. Answer the following questions.

A. Fill in the blanks in the following questions:
“Parents should do (      ) for children.”
“I wished that my parents would have (    ) for me. “

B. Visualize a childhood scene where your family is watching TV after dinner. Who has the control to choose the channels?

C. Imagine your parents and you (age 6) are at the toy store, and they about to buy a toy for you.
Who is choosing what to purchase? Your father, your mother, or yourself?

7. Answer the following questions. Do not give too much thought in answering. The maximum number is 100.
Q1) When you were in middle school, you were scolded by your mother. She said that you
were very self-centered. How much did you think she understood you?
(     )%
Q2) When you heard your mom saying the above, you thought that she was really short-tempered. How much do you think you understood her?                                                                          (       )%

8. What is your definition of “love?”
To love somebody is to (                        .)

9. Please refer to your answer(s) to the question 3 on page 21. How often did your parents do what you had wished that they would do? How many times? Occasionally?

10. What are the benefits or rewards, if any, if you get seriously sick or in an accident?

From Where Did His Sense of Guilt Come?

Case Study 3

Concealing One’s Sense of Guilt

Mr. K is troubled with his inability to express his feelings and emotions. His boss and coworkers think he lacks energy and vitality at work. He has tried to various therapies and was told that the cause of his trouble was a childhood memory of his father. His father always told Mr. K that he was a bad child. The therapies helped him with this memory, but he was not fully healed.

Eventually he received Fractal Psychological therapy. The sessions revealed that this memory was not a true cause of the problem. In the light of the TAW principle that thoughts create reality, it was interpreted that Mr. K initially had thought he was a bad child before his father said so. He examined the memory deeper to find out something different. As a child, Mr. K would steal merchandise from the store that his family ran while he was afraid of getting caught. There was one instance when he was caught and was scolded by his father, who told him that he was a bad boy. With this sense of guilt, he replayed this event over and over in his mind, which imprinted it as the fabricated memory that his father always saw him as a bad boy.

This tendency is not limited to his past. Mr. K still has a temptation to steal as an adult. He has never shoplifted nor stolen practically, but in his mind he always fights with the impulse. He carries the sense of guilt and that is what prevents him from articulating his feelings.

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His Parents Did Not Love Him…True?

Not Being Able to Get Along With Others

Mr. Y’s problem is that he cannot get along with others at work. Looking back in his childhood, he felt that his parents did not love him. He felt that he was left alone because the mother worked as well. So he decided to be alone when nobody paid attention to him and it became his habit. Because of this habit, he became not good at getting along with others.

He realized, though, when he became a parent, that always staying close was not love, but support for his child to grow and develop as a person was. A memory came back to him that that his parents trusted him very much and let him do things freely. The parents would say to him, “Don’t worry about money. Pursue whatever you want to do.” This allowed him to recall many more memories that proved his parents’ love.

Those memories have been in him all the time but have been intentionally ignored. Now his current perception has changed, and his past changed accordingly. Now he realized that he had enjoyed being alone rather than being left alone without choice. He also noticed that he has had the confidence to be very decisive since he was a child. That was his hidden and intentional result of being alone.

Now that his interpretation of the past has changed, and he acknowledges it, he can choose to be alone or with others now, without stress. This change in interpretation enables him to get along with others at work now.

She Was Abandoned, but The Truth Is..

Case Study 1: Tendency to Flatter Other People

Miss H grew up living with her grandparents or with relatives, having been abandoned by her parents. She regards herself as a poor, abandoned child, and thinks this was the reason for her bad character. However, TAW therapy and analysis revealed her true personality. She has a tendency to take for granted that other people will take care of her. She complains a lot, asking for better treatments even when people around her treat her well.

She realized that she had wanted for a better environment, which led her to be passed around the homes of the relatives. She knew that if she stayed at somebody’s home, she would be treated better as a guest. But this was the thinking of a child, and she started to feel uncomfortable in due time and ended up complaining.

Miss H still has this tendency. She belittles the president of the company for which she works, and feels superior to him. To conceal her cunning trait, she flatters the president of another company to make him acknowledge her, as proof that she is a good person.

This is her modus operandi that she presently uses, not due to her childhood event. Now that she admits that she was cunning in rejecting her parents and flattering others to obtain better treatment, she finally realized that people around her have always treated her well.

The Past Exists at the Present Time

Chapter 9: Time Moves From the Present to the Past and the Future

Somebody said, “I did not have many complaints about my parents while growing up, but I realized as an adult that I could not do much in society. My parents haven’t taught me anything at all. Isn’t that terrible of them?”

Initially, she considered that her parents were great parents. However, she wanted to put blame on somebody else for her present incompetence, so she reasoned that they have taught her nothing. Then she started to see that her parents were actually bad. In this case, she should have made more of an effort in learning and building skills rather than making excuses. This admission would be shameful instead, and would take too much effort for her, so she blames the laziness of her parents and escapes from her responsibilities and obligations.

As you can see from the above example, your intentions have much to do with how you perceive your reality. This example shows that the current intention changed the meaning of past events. It illustrates that time does not flow from the past to the present in a linear-fashion. The present is not a result of a cause in the past.You may say that you cannot do anything about your current situations or reality because of some past events or karma, but you are simply making excuses because you do not want to be responsible and accountable for your present reality.

In the above example, a few decades separate the past event and the present intention. Yet, something that happened just now becomes immediately part of the past, and is interpreted by your present intention when you experience it. With different intentions, an event that was considered a negative may turn into a positive.

After all, the past only exists in your consciousness at the present time. Facts do not exist at all, and the past is remembered based on how you interpret it at the present time.
Nobody memorizes every single thing in his/her past. We only memorize part of an event by intentionally choosing what we want to memorize. Even if a person memorizes his parents as abusive, they may have been nice ninety-eight percent of the time and abusive only two percent of the time. He may have chosen to memorize the two percent and replayed the scene over and over in his mind. He had an intention in the past that served as criteria of what to memorize, but that intention still remains in the current him. How we interpret the past is determined by the present.

His past will change drastically if he reviews it, and concludes that the two percent of his memories of abuse was actually discipline for his selfish actions by his parents, and the other ninety-eight percent of his memories that he ignored are their true love. Thus, the TAW program helps you to rewrite your past considerably.

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Memories Are Not Facts

Chapter 8: Memories Are Fabricated

We learned in Lesson 6 that thinking is the same as taking action. If you accept it, can you say for sure that your brain could differentiate real experiences from mere imaginations or fantasies? You may say, “Yes, I can. Everyone can do it too.” However, the answer is actually, “No.”

The below example illustrates what I mean: there is a mother who reads to her child almost every night. “One day, I was too tired so I was about to skip reading. My son then said ‘Mom, you always skip reading.’ I was surprised, as I seldom go to bed without reading to him. This made me realize how children perceive negative events in an exaggerated manner.”

Children indeed tend to perceive what happen to them in this fashion. They cannot recognize what they regard as normal but strongly remember what is not. Thus, the boy only remembers the times when his mother didn’t read to him. Those few events left stronger impressions in him and are repeatedly recalled in his mind. The more frequently the events are remembered, the more they become intensified. Consequently the boy ends up thinking this happened “all the time”.

Also, you often hear people say: “My parents ignored me all the time when I was a child, “My dad hit me a lot when I was young,” “As a child, I was crying all the time,” and so forth. You must be skeptical if those statements are really true. Ask them what details they actually can recall on these occasions. Usually, it is the case that they can only remember just one or a couple of times the event happened in their lives of thirty-plus years. Yet, they would tell you that this ALWAYS happened. What occurs is that their imagination/fantasy has constructed and expanded what happened to build the memories as they have now.

By the same token, whatever good deeds you imagined doing are repeated in your mind, and the repetitions make you feel like you had always been doing them actually.
1. “I always cared about my mom.” (Imagination/Fantasy)
2. “I always helped my mom with chores.” (Occasional action and imagination/fantasy)
3. “I always took care of my younger brother.” (Forgetting about having bullied him much more than taking care of him)
4. “My dad was always asleep at home.” (This actually happened once a week.)

You need to be careful especially with case 1, a memory created by imagination/fantasy. You are aware of your own imagination/fantasy and believe in your mind that you did care about your mom for real. But you fail to notice the thoughtfulness of others because it is invisible and unrecognizable to you.

Thus, your memories of your own good conduct become inflated by imagination/fantasy, while you do not do the same for the good behavior of others. Bad actions by others get magnified by your imagination/fantasy in your mind and are remembered that way. Then, how reliable is your memory?

I have shown you how memories can be constructed by your own intention. The basis of your life is rooted in your childhood, but it consists of your own imagination and fantasies to a large degree. This means that you can manipulate and change most of the root since you are the one who created it.

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Reverse the Direction of the Time Axis

Chapter 7: Your Thoughts Precede Your Parents

TAW theory states that your thoughts come before your reality and there is no exception to this rule. Then, what about parents? In conventional psychology, the time axis always points from your parents to you. This only allows you to go as far as forgiving your parents when you have a problem with them, within the domain of traditional psychology. Conventional belief is that you cannot choose your parents and they must exist before you for you to be born. If you are dissatisfied with and resent your parents, all you can do is to forgive their immaturity to remove the resentment.

But this defies TAW theory; how can you say that your thoughts create your reality when you feel like you have no control over the choice of parents. In a way, it is arrogant to say that you forgive them for their immaturity (by regarding yourself superior than them). It is also pretentious and even tragic to sympathize with your parents for your grandparents’ immaturity.
There is no second of time when your thoughts do not manifest in your reality. You may say, “My parents weren’t mature,” and “They weren’t bad. My grandparents are the one to blame.” However, this kind of thinking and these excuses make you as a victim in your own life. It asserts that your birth, which is the very root of your life, has nothing to do with your thoughts. This obscures the law that thoughts create reality. It is necessary to re-grasp the consciousness you had at the start of your life in order to live a full life according to the law.

In TAW theory, the origin of life is your thoughts. Therefore, it is necessary to reverse the direction and perception of the time axis, moving now from you to your parents. It is your thoughts, the origin, that have created your parents. The immaturity of your parents is merely a reflection of the immaturity of your thoughts at the beginning of your consciousness. Don’t you agree that freedom in the truest form is the ability to attribute everything to oneself and be self-contented?

Independence of spirit and mind is true freedom. In order to achieve that, it helps to take a new look at the family relationships in your childhood since it is the basis of your life. This gives you clues to recognize that you have been creating your life exactly according to your wishes and thoughts.

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Thinking and Taking Action Are Same Thing..But Why?

Chapter 6: Thinking and Taking Action Are Same Thing

Since the surface conscious cannot perceive your deep thoughts, it is necessary to use strong, exaggerated words in order to perceive them. For example, in denying somebody and saying, “That person acts wrong,” you need to exaggerate and say instead, “I want to kill that person.”

[Negation/denial (Criticism, Bulling, Attack, etc.) —-> Killing/Murder (Death)]

The exaggeration probably seems too much to you. You may say, “Criticism and murder are completely two different things. I’ve never thought of killing that person.” But this creates a barrier in your mind and prevents you from looking deeper into your mind. When you start to conceal your wicked thoughts because you don’t want to see them, you lose the ability to perceive your true self.
What comes next is that you feel there are external forces such as destiny or fate that control and manipulate your life. Expressing fleeting, almost imperceptible thoughts in strong, exaggerated language helps you to find your honest and true mind.

You remember the example of the young man who lost his mother, in Chapter 4, “Results are purposes.” He may never have wished for her death. However, he must have felt a kind of negation, “I don’t need a mom like her anymore.” “The denial” equates “No need.” Once this thought accumulated enough, it may have lead to the actual death of the person.

Thinking about something equates to taking an action upon it. Denying somebody in mind, even if it is not expressed explicitly, is just as same as saying it aloud. This produces a negative reality. An example is a businessman Mr. A, who is secretly criticizing his boss in his mind every day. His co-worker, Mr. B, brought his own criticism directly to their boss. Still, Mr. A gets bitter treatment from the boss rather than Mr. B, even though Mr. A said nothing and Mr. B was the one who expressed his discontent. Why did this happen when Mr. A was not expressing anything openly?

Here is another example. A boy would steal $10 from his mom’s purse once a month and his older sister would take out a dollar every day. She did not get caught as she only stole $1 at a time. However, the boy did get caught and scolded by his mother because of the larger amount. Who stole more money in this example? You will never know the truth as long as you compare the amounts for only one day. The sister stole more and repaid nothing for it, while the brother had to repay by being reprimanded. She will need to pay back later in a much larger form, which means something much larger or more serious will happen to her to make her pay for her actions.

What matters here is the quantity of thought, not the amount of actions taken. Thoughts create reality, remember? Since one cannot measure the amount of thoughts, which are invisible, he ends up feeling unfairly treated in emerged reality. The truth is, it all depends on how many thoughts he accumulates in his mind.

We all have arbitrary criterion of punishment. It would be simply subjective to dismiss your wicked thoughts, saying, “Oh, this little thought won’t do anything negative. It is so small.” You must not ignore your thinking patterns and your amount of thoughts. You need to start doubting your belief that you do not have negative thoughts, and examine the amount of small negative thoughts you have accumulated.

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In Los Angeles, 2014