The Traits of Your Parents Are Those You Already Possess

Chapter 5: Features of Fractal Psychology in Modifying Inner Child

Inner Child Therapy in Fractal Psychology is to modify your mind that remains stunted, by healing, re-experiencing and re-interpreting the events that caused trauma. Conventional therapy to treat Inner Child helps one to forgive his/her parents who gave imprinting and caused traumas, and to correct a tendency inherited from his/her ancestors. However, this does not conform to the theory of Fractal Psychology which is based on TAW, saying “Thoughts create reality.” TAW stipulates that our thoughts precede our parents.

As we learned from chapter three, we cannot recognize traits like love, because we do not possess love in ourselves. Therefore, some traits you see in parents are those you already have in your mind. Since you do not want to see them in yourself, you project them to your parents instead. Unless you admit that those traits originally belong to you, you cannot change your situation on your own, and you will experience the same situation again. When you experience the same situation, you will say as usual, “This negative pattern has been imprinted on me by my parents, so I’m experiencing this situation.”

Let me illustrate the above point. You felt that your clothes got dirty when you hugged your parents. You thought that their clothes were soiled first and made a mess on yours. So you exclude your parents from your life. Next, you change clothes and embrace your lover. Your lover’s clothes get dirty as well. Whose clothes are dirty after all? It seems that it is your body that is soiled. You see, this is how conventional therapies work, forgiving your parents and others for something even though they were still guilty, without pointing out the true cause.

Here is an example: suppose that your father hit you when you were a child. You forgive him saying, “Oh, he was immature back then. I will forgive him.” It may heal you temporarily and give you a sense of superiority as you felt like you successfully changed yourself. Yet, the tendency to be aggressive to others actually belongs to you, not your father, so you cannot change your disposition despite removing your father from your world. Therefore, you continue to attack people to whom you feel superior, including your children. In those instances, you will make an excuse that the trauma made by your father in your childhood still affects you.

You might remember that repeated memories act like true facts, as we have already learned. These memories repeatedly imaged create another reality. As a result, you might see somebody aggressive around you. You really desire that nobody hurts you, but you are creating somebody who is worse than you, in order to hide your true disposition. Thus, the vicious cycle continues.

TAW methods do not need external villains when you heal yourself. You do not need to forgive somebody in a therapy. All you need to do in therapy is to admit firstly that your father is a projection of your own self. If your father hit you, it suggests that you have initially attacked him (affronted him, belittled him) before his attack. Remember, “Thinking and Taking Action Are the Same Thing.” The admission comes first, and then, you will discover that even now your inner voice is always affronting somebody subconsciously. These aggressive dispositions are the true causes to drive you to your present troubles. Let me emphasis again, the admission must be first. Then, you recognize that your hidden personality, not the trauma, causes your present problems.

In the preparatory worksheet, you listed things that in which you think you are not as bad as your parents. That list is exactly what you have in yourself.

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You Will Experience the Same Events All the Time

Chapter 4: Influence of Inner Child

Suppose that you had an event in your childhood that hurt your feelings. It could be that you felt your parents treated your siblings better than you, or that your parents yelled at you unfairly. That event might have occurred only once, but you have repeated and replayed it in your mind, which makes it seem like it occurred many times in reality (as memories are fabricated). It occurred a long time ago and was already over, but your mind perceives as if it is still ongoing. Thus, an event created a small trauma.

Because of this trauma, you eventually start thinking that people around you will cause you emotional pain just like you believe your parents did, by projecting your parents onto these people. You will perceive your future in this manner. As this goes on for a while, this thought will emerge in reality, and something that hurts you will happen to you. This provokes an emotional outburst in you and you will feel that your claim that “you are hurt by somebody” is vindicated.

Once you fall into this pattern of thinking, you’ll experience the same events all the time.
You feel that people always hurt you whatever you do. You end up being immersed by negative emotions such as anger, resentment and sadness. This situation makes you feel that nothing is going well in life, and in turn you lose motivation or get sick from the stress and negative emotions. You may become unable to articulate yourself and unable to develop your abilities.

Those who have this symptom on an extreme level, usually exhibit dissatisfaction and anger over trivial things. They tend to complain and whine often, be disorganized, or constantly curry favor with other people. This in turn causes them to be lazy, irresponsible, make excuses without apology, and feel guilty and languish; these behaviors and attitudes drive them into conflict with others and into the vicious cycle of the negativity. Eventually this situation leads them to experience obsessions, phobias, and addictions. Energy is spent and wasted on negative thoughts, not on something productive and positive. In this way, the mind stops growing.

As illustrated above, Inner Child creates various emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, and different obsessions in our daily lives.

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We Had No Definition of Love in Our Childhood

Chapter 3: You Cannot Recognize What You Do Not Have in Yourselves

We hear some people say that they wanted their parents to love them but they were not loved. What is the “love” that those people mentioned?

You began recognizing your parents in the beginning of your life when your brain barely started functioning, and it was still very immature. If you considered your parents as immature, it signified that your mind was young and immature. You cannot recognize what you do not have in your cognitive system. You recognize only things for which you have definition.

Assume you find a token for a carnival game on a street. It has no meaning and no value for you, so you will ignore it. But it could be a priceless old coin while you just thought it was a carnival token. It is too late to realize its value after passing. Similarly, actions and thoughts of which you have no definitions in your mind cannot be recognized. When you were a baby, you thought of only yourself. You would not take care of other people when you were tired. You did not work for money and think of spending it for somebody else. Thus, you could not recognize that it was your parents’ love when your mother took care of you despite her fatigue and your father worked and earned money to spend most of it for you. You could not recognize the form of their love, so you ignored it.

When somebody says that his parents had no love, it actually means that he had no love as a child, and consequently he couldn’t project love onto his parents. If the present he, as an adult, still claims his parents have no love, that implies he still doesn’t have enough love to project onto them. Every person defines love differently. As children, though, we had no definition of love. We only experienced comfort and discomfort. Those who claim they needed to be loved didn’t think about love in their childhood. They defined discomfort as lack of parental love after they had grown up and become a little cunning. By re-examining the situation, they will find out that they just wanted their parents to do whatever they wished, rather than wanting their parents’ love.

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We Are Using Two Parts of Brain

Chapter 2: How Inner Child Perceives

Imagine that your male coworker told you (a woman) what happened over the weekend during the lunch break at work. He said, “Yesterday I took my daughter to the amusement park. She was so excited, but started whining when it was time to leave. She squatted and would not walk. So I had to raise my voice and finally tap her butt to make her stand up, and had to carry her along with heavy luggage because, you know, I had to come to work today. I was so exhausted.” You would sympathize with him, and would say, “That must have been tough. She spoiled your day off,” understanding your coworker’s disappointment. And you would add, “Well, you are very nice to your daughter. You do love her. My parents weren’t that nice. I remember that a long time ago my dad took me to the amusement park and that suddenly I got spanked even though I did not do anything.”

Let’s look at how the mind operates. When you listen to your coworker, you use you adult and mature mind, and make judgments with it. The adult mind allows you to see that he loves his daughter and spent his money and his day off taking her to an amusement park to make her happy. You also completely understood that the child spoiled all his kindness by whining and acting inconsiderately, and that she hurt her father deeply. However, when you recall and talk about your own similar experience from childhood, you apply the immature, child mind without noticing. It is revealed that you still have no idea how much you hurt your father’s feelings and disappointed him as a child.
As in the example, you will face some trouble because you still judge your parents with your immature, child mind. When you become an adult, the way you perceive your parents will transform to match how you perceive society, politicians, and the president of your work place. If you are dissatisfied with these people, your immature mind will automatically react to them. That makes you preoccupied with unhappy circumstances, and it will cause you problems at work. If you get angry with politicians or feel that society is not functioning well, or you dislike the president of your company, it means that you still have misconceptions and misunderstandings about your parents. You need to take a close look and reassess your parents with your mature, adult mind. When you have modified your mind, you will see your future circumstances changing gradually. That is because “your thoughts create your reality, 100%.”

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What Is Inner Child in Fractal Psychology?

Basic Lecture 2: What is Inner Child

Preparatory Worksheet

1. What kinds of problems would you experience when using a computer with an old operating system?

2. How old were your mother and father when you were born?

3. List situations or circumstances in your childhood when you felt being loved by your parents. Examples: When they hugged you; when they bought you a toy.

4. List things that irritate or anger you often in daily life, including really minor things.

5. Did you think that you had been better than your mother or father (or had not been as bad as your parents) in certain aspects? If any, list them.

a. Things better than your mother:
b. Things better than your father:

6. Answer the following questions.

A. Fill in the blanks in the following questions:
“Parents should do (      ) for children.”
“I wished that my parents would have (    ) for me. “

B. Visualize a childhood scene where your family is watching TV after dinner. Who has the control to choose the channels?

C. Imagine your parents and you (age 6) are at the toy store, and they about to buy a toy for you.
Who is choosing what to purchase? Your father, your mother, or yourself?

7. Answer the following questions. Do not give too much thought in answering. The maximum number is 100.
Q1) When you were in middle school, you were scolded by your mother. She said that you
were very self-centered. How much did you think she understood you?
(     )%
Q2) When you heard your mom saying the above, you thought that she was really short-tempered. How much do you think you understood her?                                                                          (       )%

8. What is your definition of “love?”
To love somebody is to (                        .)

9. Please refer to your answer(s) to the question 3 on page 21. How often did your parents do what you had wished that they would do? How many times? Occasionally?

10. What are the benefits or rewards, if any, if you get seriously sick or in an accident?

From Where Did His Sense of Guilt Come?

Case Study 3

Concealing One’s Sense of Guilt

Mr. K is troubled with his inability to express his feelings and emotions. His boss and coworkers think he lacks energy and vitality at work. He has tried to various therapies and was told that the cause of his trouble was a childhood memory of his father. His father always told Mr. K that he was a bad child. The therapies helped him with this memory, but he was not fully healed.

Eventually he received Fractal Psychological therapy. The sessions revealed that this memory was not a true cause of the problem. In the light of the TAW principle that thoughts create reality, it was interpreted that Mr. K initially had thought he was a bad child before his father said so. He examined the memory deeper to find out something different. As a child, Mr. K would steal merchandise from the store that his family ran while he was afraid of getting caught. There was one instance when he was caught and was scolded by his father, who told him that he was a bad boy. With this sense of guilt, he replayed this event over and over in his mind, which imprinted it as the fabricated memory that his father always saw him as a bad boy.

This tendency is not limited to his past. Mr. K still has a temptation to steal as an adult. He has never shoplifted nor stolen practically, but in his mind he always fights with the impulse. He carries the sense of guilt and that is what prevents him from articulating his feelings.

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His Parents Did Not Love Him…True?

Not Being Able to Get Along With Others

Mr. Y’s problem is that he cannot get along with others at work. Looking back in his childhood, he felt that his parents did not love him. He felt that he was left alone because the mother worked as well. So he decided to be alone when nobody paid attention to him and it became his habit. Because of this habit, he became not good at getting along with others.

He realized, though, when he became a parent, that always staying close was not love, but support for his child to grow and develop as a person was. A memory came back to him that that his parents trusted him very much and let him do things freely. The parents would say to him, “Don’t worry about money. Pursue whatever you want to do.” This allowed him to recall many more memories that proved his parents’ love.

Those memories have been in him all the time but have been intentionally ignored. Now his current perception has changed, and his past changed accordingly. Now he realized that he had enjoyed being alone rather than being left alone without choice. He also noticed that he has had the confidence to be very decisive since he was a child. That was his hidden and intentional result of being alone.

Now that his interpretation of the past has changed, and he acknowledges it, he can choose to be alone or with others now, without stress. This change in interpretation enables him to get along with others at work now.

She Was Abandoned, but The Truth Is..

Case Study 1: Tendency to Flatter Other People

Miss H grew up living with her grandparents or with relatives, having been abandoned by her parents. She regards herself as a poor, abandoned child, and thinks this was the reason for her bad character. However, TAW therapy and analysis revealed her true personality. She has a tendency to take for granted that other people will take care of her. She complains a lot, asking for better treatments even when people around her treat her well.

She realized that she had wanted for a better environment, which led her to be passed around the homes of the relatives. She knew that if she stayed at somebody’s home, she would be treated better as a guest. But this was the thinking of a child, and she started to feel uncomfortable in due time and ended up complaining.

Miss H still has this tendency. She belittles the president of the company for which she works, and feels superior to him. To conceal her cunning trait, she flatters the president of another company to make him acknowledge her, as proof that she is a good person.

This is her modus operandi that she presently uses, not due to her childhood event. Now that she admits that she was cunning in rejecting her parents and flattering others to obtain better treatment, she finally realized that people around her have always treated her well.

The Past Exists at the Present Time

Chapter 9: Time Moves From the Present to the Past and the Future

Somebody said, “I did not have many complaints about my parents while growing up, but I realized as an adult that I could not do much in society. My parents haven’t taught me anything at all. Isn’t that terrible of them?”

Initially, she considered that her parents were great parents. However, she wanted to put blame on somebody else for her present incompetence, so she reasoned that they have taught her nothing. Then she started to see that her parents were actually bad. In this case, she should have made more of an effort in learning and building skills rather than making excuses. This admission would be shameful instead, and would take too much effort for her, so she blames the laziness of her parents and escapes from her responsibilities and obligations.

As you can see from the above example, your intentions have much to do with how you perceive your reality. This example shows that the current intention changed the meaning of past events. It illustrates that time does not flow from the past to the present in a linear-fashion. The present is not a result of a cause in the past.You may say that you cannot do anything about your current situations or reality because of some past events or karma, but you are simply making excuses because you do not want to be responsible and accountable for your present reality.

In the above example, a few decades separate the past event and the present intention. Yet, something that happened just now becomes immediately part of the past, and is interpreted by your present intention when you experience it. With different intentions, an event that was considered a negative may turn into a positive.

After all, the past only exists in your consciousness at the present time. Facts do not exist at all, and the past is remembered based on how you interpret it at the present time.
Nobody memorizes every single thing in his/her past. We only memorize part of an event by intentionally choosing what we want to memorize. Even if a person memorizes his parents as abusive, they may have been nice ninety-eight percent of the time and abusive only two percent of the time. He may have chosen to memorize the two percent and replayed the scene over and over in his mind. He had an intention in the past that served as criteria of what to memorize, but that intention still remains in the current him. How we interpret the past is determined by the present.

His past will change drastically if he reviews it, and concludes that the two percent of his memories of abuse was actually discipline for his selfish actions by his parents, and the other ninety-eight percent of his memories that he ignored are their true love. Thus, the TAW program helps you to rewrite your past considerably.

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Memories Are Not Facts

Chapter 8: Memories Are Fabricated

We learned in Lesson 6 that thinking is the same as taking action. If you accept it, can you say for sure that your brain could differentiate real experiences from mere imaginations or fantasies? You may say, “Yes, I can. Everyone can do it too.” However, the answer is actually, “No.”

The below example illustrates what I mean: there is a mother who reads to her child almost every night. “One day, I was too tired so I was about to skip reading. My son then said ‘Mom, you always skip reading.’ I was surprised, as I seldom go to bed without reading to him. This made me realize how children perceive negative events in an exaggerated manner.”

Children indeed tend to perceive what happen to them in this fashion. They cannot recognize what they regard as normal but strongly remember what is not. Thus, the boy only remembers the times when his mother didn’t read to him. Those few events left stronger impressions in him and are repeatedly recalled in his mind. The more frequently the events are remembered, the more they become intensified. Consequently the boy ends up thinking this happened “all the time”.

Also, you often hear people say: “My parents ignored me all the time when I was a child, “My dad hit me a lot when I was young,” “As a child, I was crying all the time,” and so forth. You must be skeptical if those statements are really true. Ask them what details they actually can recall on these occasions. Usually, it is the case that they can only remember just one or a couple of times the event happened in their lives of thirty-plus years. Yet, they would tell you that this ALWAYS happened. What occurs is that their imagination/fantasy has constructed and expanded what happened to build the memories as they have now.

By the same token, whatever good deeds you imagined doing are repeated in your mind, and the repetitions make you feel like you had always been doing them actually.
1. “I always cared about my mom.” (Imagination/Fantasy)
2. “I always helped my mom with chores.” (Occasional action and imagination/fantasy)
3. “I always took care of my younger brother.” (Forgetting about having bullied him much more than taking care of him)
4. “My dad was always asleep at home.” (This actually happened once a week.)

You need to be careful especially with case 1, a memory created by imagination/fantasy. You are aware of your own imagination/fantasy and believe in your mind that you did care about your mom for real. But you fail to notice the thoughtfulness of others because it is invisible and unrecognizable to you.

Thus, your memories of your own good conduct become inflated by imagination/fantasy, while you do not do the same for the good behavior of others. Bad actions by others get magnified by your imagination/fantasy in your mind and are remembered that way. Then, how reliable is your memory?

I have shown you how memories can be constructed by your own intention. The basis of your life is rooted in your childhood, but it consists of your own imagination and fantasies to a large degree. This means that you can manipulate and change most of the root since you are the one who created it.

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