Chapter 8: Change Definition of Love
Some people will have emotional difficulties when they try to broaden their perception. For those who hate the parents, it does not make sense when they hear that their parents loved them. Deeper investigation uncovers that they have resentment towards their parents who were different from their ideal image, saying; “my parents should have done that for me, but..” or “My parents were unusual. They didn’t act as other parents do..” Now they are adults, and they seem like they already have forgiven their parents, but those emotions still remain, even over something trivial. Those people have noticed many shortcomings in their parents.
Examples of the situation are:
1. My mother was cold-hearted, always paying attention to my elder brother and never to me.
2. My father was selfish and never fulfilled my needs. He never asked me what I wanted to buy and where I wanted to go.
3. My mom always took care of my younger sister, and she left me alone, saying “You are not a little child anymore.”
4. I was subject to abuse, so I was not same as other children. My parents were very immature.
5. I was always wondering why my family was deprived. My parents were always complaining about money and they didn’t buy anything for me.
6. My mother was dependent and obedient to my father. I didn’t want to turn out to be like her. I thought women were at a disadvantage. That’s why I never married.
7. I grew up in a loveless family because my parents divorced. I don’t know how to love, so nobody loves me.
You cannot recognize things that you take for granted. If you are a parent, you must know from experience what a demanding job parenting is. Parents spend most of their time child-rearing. Those who do not admit that their parents loved them do not comprehend this. They say, “I did not ask them to give birth. They just had me, so it’s their duty to raise me. However, simply taking care of me is not love.” They are asking their parents for something special, more than simply taking care of them. For those people, love means dependence and control. If they insist on this attitude, they will never have true love because the growing older naturally means less dependence on others.
If a woman has this dependency, she will have a fear of loving others. It is not because she did not have her parents’ love but she has become fearful thinking a lover will be dependent on her and control her just in the same way as she demanded to her mother and father. In her private life, she will have trouble getting married, and socially she will not enjoy working with subordinates because she believes other people are really dependent on her. As we have seen so far, the old, piled up resentments hinder growth and development, and they put limitations on you unknowingly. Thus, the misconception of the definition of love limits you in many ways.