People Have Wrong Definition of Love

Chapter 8: Change Definition of Love

Some people will have emotional difficulties when they try to broaden their perception. For those who hate the parents, it does not make sense when they hear that their parents loved them. Deeper investigation uncovers that they have resentment towards their parents who were different from their ideal image, saying; “my parents should have done that for me, but..” or “My parents were unusual. They didn’t act as other parents do..” Now they are adults, and they seem like they already have forgiven their parents, but those emotions still remain, even over something trivial. Those people have noticed many shortcomings in their parents.

Examples of the situation are:
1. My mother was cold-hearted, always paying attention to my elder brother and never to me.
2. My father was selfish and never fulfilled my needs. He never asked me what I wanted to buy and where I wanted to go.
3. My mom always took care of my younger sister, and she left me alone, saying “You are not a little child anymore.”
4. I was subject to abuse, so I was not same as other children. My parents were very immature.
5. I was always wondering why my family was deprived. My parents were always complaining about money and they didn’t buy anything for me.
6. My mother was dependent and obedient to my father. I didn’t want to turn out to be like her. I thought women were at a disadvantage. That’s why I never married.
7. I grew up in a loveless family because my parents divorced. I don’t know how to love, so nobody loves me.

You cannot recognize things that you take for granted. If you are a parent, you must know from experience what a demanding job parenting is. Parents spend most of their time child-rearing. Those who do not admit that their parents loved them do not comprehend this. They say, “I did not ask them to give birth. They just had me, so it’s their duty to raise me. However, simply taking care of me is not love.” They are asking their parents for something special, more than simply taking care of them. For those people, love means dependence and control. If they insist on this attitude, they will never have true love because the growing older naturally means less dependence on others.

If a woman has this dependency, she will have a fear of loving others. It is not because she did not have her parents’ love but she has become fearful thinking a lover will be dependent on her and control her just in the same way as she demanded to her mother and father. In her private life, she will have trouble getting married, and socially she will not enjoy working with subordinates because she believes other people are really dependent on her. As we have seen so far, the old, piled up resentments hinder growth and development, and they put limitations on you unknowingly. Thus, the misconception of the definition of love limits you in many ways.

130429_151135
130429_151135

All Problems Stem From Only Three Causes

Chapter 6: All Problems Stem From Arrogance, Laziness and Ignorance

As we have already learned, the recognition ability of Inner Child is too immature to acknowledge our parents fairly and accurately. This failure has led to much misunderstanding and undervaluation of your parents at the level of the deep consciousness, even though we are now adults. Remember, the evaluation of your parents reflects on society. When you undervalue your parents, you undervalue your own abilities as well, because your parents are the reflection of part of your deep conscious.
For this reason, people who don’t respect their parents are apt to feel their ability is low, and they might believe that the reason is genetic. This is not true.

Fractal Psychology elucidates that, ultimately speaking, all problems stem from arrogance, laziness and ignorance: in other words, arrogance that parents should always put you first over anybody else, baby-like laziness that parents should take care of you constantly, ignorance that stems from lack of knowledge of the mechanism between phenomenon and thought. This misconception at the initial stage of life becomes a pattern and produces seeds for many troubles and problems in the future. These seeds are present and will affect your deep conscious.

Why do these misunderstanding occur? It is because we had been in perfect harmony and oneness before we started this life. Imagine that, as a fetus, you have absolute protection in your mother’s warm womb; you can get a constant flow of nutrients before you feel even a little hunger. There is no need for asking or showing your desires to others, and still you are protected from everything perfectly. But once you were born, the world begins to lag. You cry for milk, but milk does not come immediately. Everything takes time. Sometimes results are not as expected, and you must suffer and endure.

So, to be born in this world means a transition from the perfect world to a world with dissatisfaction and negativity. You take more notice of negativity, rather than love that exists for granted. You forget that in the womb you grew yourself on your own, but now you need to ask your parents to nurture you instead. This is the base of your mind, and that makes you incorrectly require something from your parents, others, and society. Furthermore, you might believe you are still helpless and powerless even in adulthood. Needless to say, that is just an illusion, but these feelings are comfortable for you because they remind you of being helpless and powerless after birth, when your parents took care of all of your needs.

Examples of Childhood Misinterpretation

“I am the center of my family.”
“I think my mother should prioritize me, instead of my father and my siblings.”
I consider my mother as a maid.
I think that my siblings took my mother away from me.
I feel that I can get anything I want.
I feel that I should be freed from whatever I do not want to do.
I believe that my mother should understand my feelings without explanation.
I think it is malicious to scold me.
I think others should listen to me all the time.

20140105_001705

You Will Experience the Same Events All the Time

Chapter 4: Influence of Inner Child

Suppose that you had an event in your childhood that hurt your feelings. It could be that you felt your parents treated your siblings better than you, or that your parents yelled at you unfairly. That event might have occurred only once, but you have repeated and replayed it in your mind, which makes it seem like it occurred many times in reality (as memories are fabricated). It occurred a long time ago and was already over, but your mind perceives as if it is still ongoing. Thus, an event created a small trauma.

Because of this trauma, you eventually start thinking that people around you will cause you emotional pain just like you believe your parents did, by projecting your parents onto these people. You will perceive your future in this manner. As this goes on for a while, this thought will emerge in reality, and something that hurts you will happen to you. This provokes an emotional outburst in you and you will feel that your claim that “you are hurt by somebody” is vindicated.

Once you fall into this pattern of thinking, you’ll experience the same events all the time.
You feel that people always hurt you whatever you do. You end up being immersed by negative emotions such as anger, resentment and sadness. This situation makes you feel that nothing is going well in life, and in turn you lose motivation or get sick from the stress and negative emotions. You may become unable to articulate yourself and unable to develop your abilities.

Those who have this symptom on an extreme level, usually exhibit dissatisfaction and anger over trivial things. They tend to complain and whine often, be disorganized, or constantly curry favor with other people. This in turn causes them to be lazy, irresponsible, make excuses without apology, and feel guilty and languish; these behaviors and attitudes drive them into conflict with others and into the vicious cycle of the negativity. Eventually this situation leads them to experience obsessions, phobias, and addictions. Energy is spent and wasted on negative thoughts, not on something productive and positive. In this way, the mind stops growing.

As illustrated above, Inner Child creates various emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, and different obsessions in our daily lives.

14054987_635926873237464_110309763421853562_n

We Had No Definition of Love in Our Childhood

Chapter 3: You Cannot Recognize What You Do Not Have in Yourselves

We hear some people say that they wanted their parents to love them but they were not loved. What is the “love” that those people mentioned?

You began recognizing your parents in the beginning of your life when your brain barely started functioning, and it was still very immature. If you considered your parents as immature, it signified that your mind was young and immature. You cannot recognize what you do not have in your cognitive system. You recognize only things for which you have definition.

Assume you find a token for a carnival game on a street. It has no meaning and no value for you, so you will ignore it. But it could be a priceless old coin while you just thought it was a carnival token. It is too late to realize its value after passing. Similarly, actions and thoughts of which you have no definitions in your mind cannot be recognized. When you were a baby, you thought of only yourself. You would not take care of other people when you were tired. You did not work for money and think of spending it for somebody else. Thus, you could not recognize that it was your parents’ love when your mother took care of you despite her fatigue and your father worked and earned money to spend most of it for you. You could not recognize the form of their love, so you ignored it.

When somebody says that his parents had no love, it actually means that he had no love as a child, and consequently he couldn’t project love onto his parents. If the present he, as an adult, still claims his parents have no love, that implies he still doesn’t have enough love to project onto them. Every person defines love differently. As children, though, we had no definition of love. We only experienced comfort and discomfort. Those who claim they needed to be loved didn’t think about love in their childhood. They defined discomfort as lack of parental love after they had grown up and become a little cunning. By re-examining the situation, they will find out that they just wanted their parents to do whatever they wished, rather than wanting their parents’ love.

miyajima2

 

We Are Using Two Parts of Brain

Chapter 2: How Inner Child Perceives

Imagine that your male coworker told you (a woman) what happened over the weekend during the lunch break at work. He said, “Yesterday I took my daughter to the amusement park. She was so excited, but started whining when it was time to leave. She squatted and would not walk. So I had to raise my voice and finally tap her butt to make her stand up, and had to carry her along with heavy luggage because, you know, I had to come to work today. I was so exhausted.” You would sympathize with him, and would say, “That must have been tough. She spoiled your day off,” understanding your coworker’s disappointment. And you would add, “Well, you are very nice to your daughter. You do love her. My parents weren’t that nice. I remember that a long time ago my dad took me to the amusement park and that suddenly I got spanked even though I did not do anything.”

Let’s look at how the mind operates. When you listen to your coworker, you use you adult and mature mind, and make judgments with it. The adult mind allows you to see that he loves his daughter and spent his money and his day off taking her to an amusement park to make her happy. You also completely understood that the child spoiled all his kindness by whining and acting inconsiderately, and that she hurt her father deeply. However, when you recall and talk about your own similar experience from childhood, you apply the immature, child mind without noticing. It is revealed that you still have no idea how much you hurt your father’s feelings and disappointed him as a child.
As in the example, you will face some trouble because you still judge your parents with your immature, child mind. When you become an adult, the way you perceive your parents will transform to match how you perceive society, politicians, and the president of your work place. If you are dissatisfied with these people, your immature mind will automatically react to them. That makes you preoccupied with unhappy circumstances, and it will cause you problems at work. If you get angry with politicians or feel that society is not functioning well, or you dislike the president of your company, it means that you still have misconceptions and misunderstandings about your parents. You need to take a close look and reassess your parents with your mature, adult mind. When you have modified your mind, you will see your future circumstances changing gradually. That is because “your thoughts create your reality, 100%.”

miyajima%e7%b7%a8%e9%9b%86%ef%bc%91

 

What Is Inner Child in Fractal Psychology?

Basic Lecture 2: What is Inner Child

Preparatory Worksheet

1. What kinds of problems would you experience when using a computer with an old operating system?

2. How old were your mother and father when you were born?

3. List situations or circumstances in your childhood when you felt being loved by your parents. Examples: When they hugged you; when they bought you a toy.

4. List things that irritate or anger you often in daily life, including really minor things.

5. Did you think that you had been better than your mother or father (or had not been as bad as your parents) in certain aspects? If any, list them.

a. Things better than your mother:
b. Things better than your father:

6. Answer the following questions.

A. Fill in the blanks in the following questions:
“Parents should do (      ) for children.”
“I wished that my parents would have (    ) for me. “

B. Visualize a childhood scene where your family is watching TV after dinner. Who has the control to choose the channels?

C. Imagine your parents and you (age 6) are at the toy store, and they about to buy a toy for you.
Who is choosing what to purchase? Your father, your mother, or yourself?

7. Answer the following questions. Do not give too much thought in answering. The maximum number is 100.
Q1) When you were in middle school, you were scolded by your mother. She said that you
were very self-centered. How much did you think she understood you?
(     )%
Q2) When you heard your mom saying the above, you thought that she was really short-tempered. How much do you think you understood her?                                                                          (       )%

8. What is your definition of “love?”
To love somebody is to (                        .)

9. Please refer to your answer(s) to the question 3 on page 21. How often did your parents do what you had wished that they would do? How many times? Occasionally?

10. What are the benefits or rewards, if any, if you get seriously sick or in an accident?

His Parents Did Not Love Him…True?

Not Being Able to Get Along With Others

Mr. Y’s problem is that he cannot get along with others at work. Looking back in his childhood, he felt that his parents did not love him. He felt that he was left alone because the mother worked as well. So he decided to be alone when nobody paid attention to him and it became his habit. Because of this habit, he became not good at getting along with others.

He realized, though, when he became a parent, that always staying close was not love, but support for his child to grow and develop as a person was. A memory came back to him that that his parents trusted him very much and let him do things freely. The parents would say to him, “Don’t worry about money. Pursue whatever you want to do.” This allowed him to recall many more memories that proved his parents’ love.

Those memories have been in him all the time but have been intentionally ignored. Now his current perception has changed, and his past changed accordingly. Now he realized that he had enjoyed being alone rather than being left alone without choice. He also noticed that he has had the confidence to be very decisive since he was a child. That was his hidden and intentional result of being alone.

Now that his interpretation of the past has changed, and he acknowledges it, he can choose to be alone or with others now, without stress. This change in interpretation enables him to get along with others at work now.