People Have Wrong Definition of Love

Chapter 8: Change Definition of Love

Some people will have emotional difficulties when they try to broaden their perception. For those who hate the parents, it does not make sense when they hear that their parents loved them. Deeper investigation uncovers that they have resentment towards their parents who were different from their ideal image, saying; “my parents should have done that for me, but..” or “My parents were unusual. They didn’t act as other parents do..” Now they are adults, and they seem like they already have forgiven their parents, but those emotions still remain, even over something trivial. Those people have noticed many shortcomings in their parents.

Examples of the situation are:
1. My mother was cold-hearted, always paying attention to my elder brother and never to me.
2. My father was selfish and never fulfilled my needs. He never asked me what I wanted to buy and where I wanted to go.
3. My mom always took care of my younger sister, and she left me alone, saying “You are not a little child anymore.”
4. I was subject to abuse, so I was not same as other children. My parents were very immature.
5. I was always wondering why my family was deprived. My parents were always complaining about money and they didn’t buy anything for me.
6. My mother was dependent and obedient to my father. I didn’t want to turn out to be like her. I thought women were at a disadvantage. That’s why I never married.
7. I grew up in a loveless family because my parents divorced. I don’t know how to love, so nobody loves me.

You cannot recognize things that you take for granted. If you are a parent, you must know from experience what a demanding job parenting is. Parents spend most of their time child-rearing. Those who do not admit that their parents loved them do not comprehend this. They say, “I did not ask them to give birth. They just had me, so it’s their duty to raise me. However, simply taking care of me is not love.” They are asking their parents for something special, more than simply taking care of them. For those people, love means dependence and control. If they insist on this attitude, they will never have true love because the growing older naturally means less dependence on others.

If a woman has this dependency, she will have a fear of loving others. It is not because she did not have her parents’ love but she has become fearful thinking a lover will be dependent on her and control her just in the same way as she demanded to her mother and father. In her private life, she will have trouble getting married, and socially she will not enjoy working with subordinates because she believes other people are really dependent on her. As we have seen so far, the old, piled up resentments hinder growth and development, and they put limitations on you unknowingly. Thus, the misconception of the definition of love limits you in many ways.

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All Problems Stem From Only Three Causes

Chapter 6: All Problems Stem From Arrogance, Laziness and Ignorance

As we have already learned, the recognition ability of Inner Child is too immature to acknowledge our parents fairly and accurately. This failure has led to much misunderstanding and undervaluation of your parents at the level of the deep consciousness, even though we are now adults. Remember, the evaluation of your parents reflects on society. When you undervalue your parents, you undervalue your own abilities as well, because your parents are the reflection of part of your deep conscious.
For this reason, people who don’t respect their parents are apt to feel their ability is low, and they might believe that the reason is genetic. This is not true.

Fractal Psychology elucidates that, ultimately speaking, all problems stem from arrogance, laziness and ignorance: in other words, arrogance that parents should always put you first over anybody else, baby-like laziness that parents should take care of you constantly, ignorance that stems from lack of knowledge of the mechanism between phenomenon and thought. This misconception at the initial stage of life becomes a pattern and produces seeds for many troubles and problems in the future. These seeds are present and will affect your deep conscious.

Why do these misunderstanding occur? It is because we had been in perfect harmony and oneness before we started this life. Imagine that, as a fetus, you have absolute protection in your mother’s warm womb; you can get a constant flow of nutrients before you feel even a little hunger. There is no need for asking or showing your desires to others, and still you are protected from everything perfectly. But once you were born, the world begins to lag. You cry for milk, but milk does not come immediately. Everything takes time. Sometimes results are not as expected, and you must suffer and endure.

So, to be born in this world means a transition from the perfect world to a world with dissatisfaction and negativity. You take more notice of negativity, rather than love that exists for granted. You forget that in the womb you grew yourself on your own, but now you need to ask your parents to nurture you instead. This is the base of your mind, and that makes you incorrectly require something from your parents, others, and society. Furthermore, you might believe you are still helpless and powerless even in adulthood. Needless to say, that is just an illusion, but these feelings are comfortable for you because they remind you of being helpless and powerless after birth, when your parents took care of all of your needs.

Examples of Childhood Misinterpretation

“I am the center of my family.”
“I think my mother should prioritize me, instead of my father and my siblings.”
I consider my mother as a maid.
I think that my siblings took my mother away from me.
I feel that I can get anything I want.
I feel that I should be freed from whatever I do not want to do.
I believe that my mother should understand my feelings without explanation.
I think it is malicious to scold me.
I think others should listen to me all the time.

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You Will Experience the Same Events All the Time

Chapter 4: Influence of Inner Child

Suppose that you had an event in your childhood that hurt your feelings. It could be that you felt your parents treated your siblings better than you, or that your parents yelled at you unfairly. That event might have occurred only once, but you have repeated and replayed it in your mind, which makes it seem like it occurred many times in reality (as memories are fabricated). It occurred a long time ago and was already over, but your mind perceives as if it is still ongoing. Thus, an event created a small trauma.

Because of this trauma, you eventually start thinking that people around you will cause you emotional pain just like you believe your parents did, by projecting your parents onto these people. You will perceive your future in this manner. As this goes on for a while, this thought will emerge in reality, and something that hurts you will happen to you. This provokes an emotional outburst in you and you will feel that your claim that “you are hurt by somebody” is vindicated.

Once you fall into this pattern of thinking, you’ll experience the same events all the time.
You feel that people always hurt you whatever you do. You end up being immersed by negative emotions such as anger, resentment and sadness. This situation makes you feel that nothing is going well in life, and in turn you lose motivation or get sick from the stress and negative emotions. You may become unable to articulate yourself and unable to develop your abilities.

Those who have this symptom on an extreme level, usually exhibit dissatisfaction and anger over trivial things. They tend to complain and whine often, be disorganized, or constantly curry favor with other people. This in turn causes them to be lazy, irresponsible, make excuses without apology, and feel guilty and languish; these behaviors and attitudes drive them into conflict with others and into the vicious cycle of the negativity. Eventually this situation leads them to experience obsessions, phobias, and addictions. Energy is spent and wasted on negative thoughts, not on something productive and positive. In this way, the mind stops growing.

As illustrated above, Inner Child creates various emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, and different obsessions in our daily lives.

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We Had No Definition of Love in Our Childhood

Chapter 3: You Cannot Recognize What You Do Not Have in Yourselves

We hear some people say that they wanted their parents to love them but they were not loved. What is the “love” that those people mentioned?

You began recognizing your parents in the beginning of your life when your brain barely started functioning, and it was still very immature. If you considered your parents as immature, it signified that your mind was young and immature. You cannot recognize what you do not have in your cognitive system. You recognize only things for which you have definition.

Assume you find a token for a carnival game on a street. It has no meaning and no value for you, so you will ignore it. But it could be a priceless old coin while you just thought it was a carnival token. It is too late to realize its value after passing. Similarly, actions and thoughts of which you have no definitions in your mind cannot be recognized. When you were a baby, you thought of only yourself. You would not take care of other people when you were tired. You did not work for money and think of spending it for somebody else. Thus, you could not recognize that it was your parents’ love when your mother took care of you despite her fatigue and your father worked and earned money to spend most of it for you. You could not recognize the form of their love, so you ignored it.

When somebody says that his parents had no love, it actually means that he had no love as a child, and consequently he couldn’t project love onto his parents. If the present he, as an adult, still claims his parents have no love, that implies he still doesn’t have enough love to project onto them. Every person defines love differently. As children, though, we had no definition of love. We only experienced comfort and discomfort. Those who claim they needed to be loved didn’t think about love in their childhood. They defined discomfort as lack of parental love after they had grown up and become a little cunning. By re-examining the situation, they will find out that they just wanted their parents to do whatever they wished, rather than wanting their parents’ love.

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We Are Using Two Parts of Brain

Chapter 2: How Inner Child Perceives

Imagine that your male coworker told you (a woman) what happened over the weekend during the lunch break at work. He said, “Yesterday I took my daughter to the amusement park. She was so excited, but started whining when it was time to leave. She squatted and would not walk. So I had to raise my voice and finally tap her butt to make her stand up, and had to carry her along with heavy luggage because, you know, I had to come to work today. I was so exhausted.” You would sympathize with him, and would say, “That must have been tough. She spoiled your day off,” understanding your coworker’s disappointment. And you would add, “Well, you are very nice to your daughter. You do love her. My parents weren’t that nice. I remember that a long time ago my dad took me to the amusement park and that suddenly I got spanked even though I did not do anything.”

Let’s look at how the mind operates. When you listen to your coworker, you use you adult and mature mind, and make judgments with it. The adult mind allows you to see that he loves his daughter and spent his money and his day off taking her to an amusement park to make her happy. You also completely understood that the child spoiled all his kindness by whining and acting inconsiderately, and that she hurt her father deeply. However, when you recall and talk about your own similar experience from childhood, you apply the immature, child mind without noticing. It is revealed that you still have no idea how much you hurt your father’s feelings and disappointed him as a child.
As in the example, you will face some trouble because you still judge your parents with your immature, child mind. When you become an adult, the way you perceive your parents will transform to match how you perceive society, politicians, and the president of your work place. If you are dissatisfied with these people, your immature mind will automatically react to them. That makes you preoccupied with unhappy circumstances, and it will cause you problems at work. If you get angry with politicians or feel that society is not functioning well, or you dislike the president of your company, it means that you still have misconceptions and misunderstandings about your parents. You need to take a close look and reassess your parents with your mature, adult mind. When you have modified your mind, you will see your future circumstances changing gradually. That is because “your thoughts create your reality, 100%.”

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What Is Inner Child in Fractal Psychology?

Basic Lecture 2: What is Inner Child

Preparatory Worksheet

1. What kinds of problems would you experience when using a computer with an old operating system?

2. How old were your mother and father when you were born?

3. List situations or circumstances in your childhood when you felt being loved by your parents. Examples: When they hugged you; when they bought you a toy.

4. List things that irritate or anger you often in daily life, including really minor things.

5. Did you think that you had been better than your mother or father (or had not been as bad as your parents) in certain aspects? If any, list them.

a. Things better than your mother:
b. Things better than your father:

6. Answer the following questions.

A. Fill in the blanks in the following questions:
“Parents should do (      ) for children.”
“I wished that my parents would have (    ) for me. “

B. Visualize a childhood scene where your family is watching TV after dinner. Who has the control to choose the channels?

C. Imagine your parents and you (age 6) are at the toy store, and they about to buy a toy for you.
Who is choosing what to purchase? Your father, your mother, or yourself?

7. Answer the following questions. Do not give too much thought in answering. The maximum number is 100.
Q1) When you were in middle school, you were scolded by your mother. She said that you
were very self-centered. How much did you think she understood you?
(     )%
Q2) When you heard your mom saying the above, you thought that she was really short-tempered. How much do you think you understood her?                                                                          (       )%

8. What is your definition of “love?”
To love somebody is to (                        .)

9. Please refer to your answer(s) to the question 3 on page 21. How often did your parents do what you had wished that they would do? How many times? Occasionally?

10. What are the benefits or rewards, if any, if you get seriously sick or in an accident?

His Parents Did Not Love Him…True?

Not Being Able to Get Along With Others

Mr. Y’s problem is that he cannot get along with others at work. Looking back in his childhood, he felt that his parents did not love him. He felt that he was left alone because the mother worked as well. So he decided to be alone when nobody paid attention to him and it became his habit. Because of this habit, he became not good at getting along with others.

He realized, though, when he became a parent, that always staying close was not love, but support for his child to grow and develop as a person was. A memory came back to him that that his parents trusted him very much and let him do things freely. The parents would say to him, “Don’t worry about money. Pursue whatever you want to do.” This allowed him to recall many more memories that proved his parents’ love.

Those memories have been in him all the time but have been intentionally ignored. Now his current perception has changed, and his past changed accordingly. Now he realized that he had enjoyed being alone rather than being left alone without choice. He also noticed that he has had the confidence to be very decisive since he was a child. That was his hidden and intentional result of being alone.

Now that his interpretation of the past has changed, and he acknowledges it, he can choose to be alone or with others now, without stress. This change in interpretation enables him to get along with others at work now.

She Was Abandoned, but The Truth Is..

Case Study 1: Tendency to Flatter Other People

Miss H grew up living with her grandparents or with relatives, having been abandoned by her parents. She regards herself as a poor, abandoned child, and thinks this was the reason for her bad character. However, TAW therapy and analysis revealed her true personality. She has a tendency to take for granted that other people will take care of her. She complains a lot, asking for better treatments even when people around her treat her well.

She realized that she had wanted for a better environment, which led her to be passed around the homes of the relatives. She knew that if she stayed at somebody’s home, she would be treated better as a guest. But this was the thinking of a child, and she started to feel uncomfortable in due time and ended up complaining.

Miss H still has this tendency. She belittles the president of the company for which she works, and feels superior to him. To conceal her cunning trait, she flatters the president of another company to make him acknowledge her, as proof that she is a good person.

This is her modus operandi that she presently uses, not due to her childhood event. Now that she admits that she was cunning in rejecting her parents and flattering others to obtain better treatment, she finally realized that people around her have always treated her well.

The Past Exists at the Present Time

Chapter 9: Time Moves From the Present to the Past and the Future

Somebody said, “I did not have many complaints about my parents while growing up, but I realized as an adult that I could not do much in society. My parents haven’t taught me anything at all. Isn’t that terrible of them?”

Initially, she considered that her parents were great parents. However, she wanted to put blame on somebody else for her present incompetence, so she reasoned that they have taught her nothing. Then she started to see that her parents were actually bad. In this case, she should have made more of an effort in learning and building skills rather than making excuses. This admission would be shameful instead, and would take too much effort for her, so she blames the laziness of her parents and escapes from her responsibilities and obligations.

As you can see from the above example, your intentions have much to do with how you perceive your reality. This example shows that the current intention changed the meaning of past events. It illustrates that time does not flow from the past to the present in a linear-fashion. The present is not a result of a cause in the past.You may say that you cannot do anything about your current situations or reality because of some past events or karma, but you are simply making excuses because you do not want to be responsible and accountable for your present reality.

In the above example, a few decades separate the past event and the present intention. Yet, something that happened just now becomes immediately part of the past, and is interpreted by your present intention when you experience it. With different intentions, an event that was considered a negative may turn into a positive.

After all, the past only exists in your consciousness at the present time. Facts do not exist at all, and the past is remembered based on how you interpret it at the present time.
Nobody memorizes every single thing in his/her past. We only memorize part of an event by intentionally choosing what we want to memorize. Even if a person memorizes his parents as abusive, they may have been nice ninety-eight percent of the time and abusive only two percent of the time. He may have chosen to memorize the two percent and replayed the scene over and over in his mind. He had an intention in the past that served as criteria of what to memorize, but that intention still remains in the current him. How we interpret the past is determined by the present.

His past will change drastically if he reviews it, and concludes that the two percent of his memories of abuse was actually discipline for his selfish actions by his parents, and the other ninety-eight percent of his memories that he ignored are their true love. Thus, the TAW program helps you to rewrite your past considerably.

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Memories Are Not Facts

Chapter 8: Memories Are Fabricated

We learned in Lesson 6 that thinking is the same as taking action. If you accept it, can you say for sure that your brain could differentiate real experiences from mere imaginations or fantasies? You may say, “Yes, I can. Everyone can do it too.” However, the answer is actually, “No.”

The below example illustrates what I mean: there is a mother who reads to her child almost every night. “One day, I was too tired so I was about to skip reading. My son then said ‘Mom, you always skip reading.’ I was surprised, as I seldom go to bed without reading to him. This made me realize how children perceive negative events in an exaggerated manner.”

Children indeed tend to perceive what happen to them in this fashion. They cannot recognize what they regard as normal but strongly remember what is not. Thus, the boy only remembers the times when his mother didn’t read to him. Those few events left stronger impressions in him and are repeatedly recalled in his mind. The more frequently the events are remembered, the more they become intensified. Consequently the boy ends up thinking this happened “all the time”.

Also, you often hear people say: “My parents ignored me all the time when I was a child, “My dad hit me a lot when I was young,” “As a child, I was crying all the time,” and so forth. You must be skeptical if those statements are really true. Ask them what details they actually can recall on these occasions. Usually, it is the case that they can only remember just one or a couple of times the event happened in their lives of thirty-plus years. Yet, they would tell you that this ALWAYS happened. What occurs is that their imagination/fantasy has constructed and expanded what happened to build the memories as they have now.

By the same token, whatever good deeds you imagined doing are repeated in your mind, and the repetitions make you feel like you had always been doing them actually.
1. “I always cared about my mom.” (Imagination/Fantasy)
2. “I always helped my mom with chores.” (Occasional action and imagination/fantasy)
3. “I always took care of my younger brother.” (Forgetting about having bullied him much more than taking care of him)
4. “My dad was always asleep at home.” (This actually happened once a week.)

You need to be careful especially with case 1, a memory created by imagination/fantasy. You are aware of your own imagination/fantasy and believe in your mind that you did care about your mom for real. But you fail to notice the thoughtfulness of others because it is invisible and unrecognizable to you.

Thus, your memories of your own good conduct become inflated by imagination/fantasy, while you do not do the same for the good behavior of others. Bad actions by others get magnified by your imagination/fantasy in your mind and are remembered that way. Then, how reliable is your memory?

I have shown you how memories can be constructed by your own intention. The basis of your life is rooted in your childhood, but it consists of your own imagination and fantasies to a large degree. This means that you can manipulate and change most of the root since you are the one who created it.

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